Gift For a Depressed Person

Holidays can be a very difficult time for the victim of depression. As I've discussed in the last post, it is very easy for well-intentioned holiday activities to completely overwhelm the depressed person. If you know someone who's depressed (some warning signs can be found here if you're not sure), you might want to prepare a gift that takes their disease into consideration. Here are some ideas:

Presence, not presents: present them with an invitation or a certificate that requests that they spend the holiday or a specific time with you. Make it quite clear that no gifts will be exchanged, no food is to be prepared, and nothing special is required. If they tell you, "I'm afraid I won't be very good company," tell them, "That may be true, but I will be." If you sincerely care about this person and are willing to see who dwells beneath the cloud of gloom that their disease has helped them make for themselves, this may be the best gift you could give. If you and they are lucky, they will be able to tell you it made them happy. If not, trust that it did.

Focus on the positive: Put together a photo album, a slide show on a CD, or a letter or scrapbook that centers on positive things you have shared. A well-depressed person doesn't see themselves as having any value, and this kind of effort serves to remind them of things they've almost certainly forgotten. Depression can cause memory loss, and you can bet that the good ones go first. This is a gift that will be cherished.

Ask for help: This may or may not work, depending on the level of the depression. My mother has suffered from depression on and off for most of my life. The holidays have always been important to her, and I knew that being at a loss for things to suggest to her for gift ideas wouldn't sit well with her. Since I didn't have any wants particularly, I requested that she create a needlework piece for me. Mom has always been an avid needlework artist, ranging from knitting to crewel to embroidery to counted cross stitch. Her hands knew what to do even though her mind didn't see the point, so the act of creation served as a reminder of the value she held to me.

Bright Blessings: If you share a religious belief with the victim, or at the very least he or she isn't a diehard atheist, offering a tangible blessing may be helpful. Depressed people have very often lost their faith, and cannot pray for themselves, even if they know that prayer is a very important part of their ability to overcome the disease. Give them a promise, one you intend to keep, that you will pray for them daily or weekly for a set amount of time. Put it in writing. As an alternative, find an appropriate candle and either bless it yourself or have it blessed by someone who has taken religious orders or their equivalent. Specifically focus the blessing on light, be it the Light of Jesus or the return of the sun or the oil that burned for eight days, or whatever makes sense in your tradition. Tell them to burn the candle at their lowest point in the day.

You Deserve Better Than Hope

Hope implies that we have a chance, even a small one, of getting what we hope for.

Hope is a funny construct - it can pull people out of the pits of despair, giving them the power to survive and succeed, but when dashed it can shatter a soul.

Hope is a passive, yet passionate, state.

Hope does not lead to action. In many cases it is a substitute for action.

Hope is somewhat optimistic, and largely dangerous.

If you're emotionally vulnerable and have a desire for a better turn of events, I don't think hope is the best way to go. Yes, there is a chance that things will turn out as you hope they will. But only a chance.

Because hope doesn't do the work, and for a depressed person it just becomes an excuse.

"Nothing ever goes right for me. I should just give up."

If I hope to win the lottery and don't buy a ticket, whose fault is that? That one might be too obvious. If I apply for a job, and hope I get it, but I never call to follow up on the application, whose fault is that? The hiring manager's? Mine, maybe?

It's really easy to be passive about life when you've got the thousand-pound weight of depression on your soul. You hope for good things to happen, but you expect those hopes to be dashed. When they are, you can easily confirm your suspicion that your life sucks, your luck is terrible, the Universe is against you, and you smell funny.

Okay, that last one is just your imagination, unless you have another issue.

But actually that last one is just like the rest of them - they're all things that you can change, but only when you stop being passive about them!

Hope is a dream killer. Sure, sometimes things work out as we hoped they would. But then we are robbed of the satisfaction of accomplishing them, because they just . . . happened. And if those good things didn't happen through our actions, then we have not learned how to make them happen again. Dreams that come true through the random action of the Universe don't turn into phenomenal stories of personal transformation any more often than single-celled organisms evolve into sentient primates with language and culture.

I'll let you look up the odds on that for yourself.

If you feel the need to hope for an outcome, do yourself a favor and find out what it would take to get yourself there. Does it seem too big a goal? No worries. Find a smaller goal, one that you can achieve, that will move you closer. Is your goal to be free of depression? Maybe the best goal you can achieve for yourself is calling a counseling center. Doesn't seem like much, but if you make that call, you have taken action. You are teaching yourself that you refuse to allow yourself to drift aimlessly through life. You are empowered to make decisions that will affect your fate.

Personal responsibility is washed away by hope; hoping absolves us the obligation for our own lives.

Don't let depression suck you down into that hole where you believe all that claptrap about not having power. You do. And you can start using it as soon as you realize that there are much better tools out there than hope.

Depression Stinks

This blog is about the depths that we can sink to.

It is about the heights that we can reach.

It is about the powerlessness that we may feel.

It is about the control we can take.

Depression incites suicidal feelings because it erodes hope and happiness. It causes physical pain, emotional instability and spiritual barrenness. It attacks us on every level of our being, and must be treated on all levels as well.

It is understandable that some of us are without hope, that some of us believe that there will never be an end to the blackness. That's what depression does, it undermines our very ability to fight it.

I am not convinced that hope comes in a bottle, be it prescribed or self-selected. It is not placed neatly on an altar, nor is it asking us to lie back on a couch and share feelings from our childhood. Hope must blend these things, in a recipe as unique as the person who suffers from this disease.

This post, and this blog, is dedicated to the countless thousands who believe that hope has abandoned them in the darkness.